Laughing Out Loud Alone

OK, so it wasn't on my current reading list but the cover was kind of cute so I succumbed. And I laughed.

Here's an excerpt from Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About by Mil Millington.

"I don't see the problem. Just ask her out, for God's sake. What's the worst that could happen?"

"That's right," I agreed. "In all probability, she'll just say no. You'll have a moment of agonising humiliation. Then you'll lie in bed every night for several months, replaying the moment in your mind, each time being flooded with searing embarassment and pulling your duvet over your head just wanting to disappear and die. Every second you're in the shop, you'll worry about her coming back in, then when she actually does, you'll prickle with awkwardness and horror. She'll come to buy something, cripplingly self-conscious at the shared knowledge of your failed approach, you'll probably try to make some sort of joke to break the curse, but it'll fall flat and she'll look at you with a rich mixture of pity, contempt and amusement. With luck, you won't have to quit your job and spend a year in a blurry, half-world of wine-deadened self-pity."

"Oh, cheers. You've really helped him get this in perspective."

"Well, yes, I have, actually. 'What's the worst that can happen?' - Lord above, that's dangerously female advice from which I need to protect him. Rejection destroys the strongest of men. Just imagine what it could do to Roo. I mean, look at the state of him now."

"It's better to know the situation for sure," Tracey stated.

"It IS NOT better to know the situation. Absolutely anything is better than a woman you fancy saying she doesn't want to go out with you. Far, far better that he gives up hope without trying, or becomes delusional, or continue to simply dream about the possibility while alone in his flat in a nightly orgy of masturbation."

"We're not entirely alone in this cafe," Roo pointed out.

"You are a woman. You don't know what it means to have an advance rejected. I wouldn't put it past you, in fact, to be the type who'd reply, 'Ahh - that's really sweet.' Having an approach rebuffed is maiming a man - and being dumped, well..."

"Hold on, hold on," huffed Tracey. "If I can just interrupt this stream of bollocks for a moment. I think you'll find women are upset by being dumped too. I remember I was dumped once and I was absolutely distraught for about six weeks."

Roo and I explosively laughed out loud.

"There you go." I clapped. "Your honour, I need call no more witnesses. Six weeks. A man is bizarrely resilient if he's traumatised only for six years. Women have a damn good cry, a few chocolate-and-anguish-driven evenings with their friends, and then it's on with the rest of their lives. Men just implode. It's a fact that men who are divorced die younger."

Tracey shrugged. "That's probably a hygiene issue."